Today was a hard day. For some reason everywhere I turned I was thinking about life, not just the moment I was in but every moment before and after. I decided I needed to write down some things, almost remember what has happened and share what I want for what is left.
I will start here....
When I was little I had fish, frogs, cats, dogs and hampsters die. Everytime a hampster, fish or frog died it was "ok time to go to the pet store". The dogs and cats were different. They are so much a part of your day to day routine. When Bagels died (my cocker spaniel) I am not sure I completely understood. I was 8 when he died. Gussy (my golden retriever) died when I was a junior in high school. The day before he was put down my Mom told us what was going to happen, but thought it was best to have a chance to say goodbye. I slept the whole night by his side under our dining room table. This dog was not just a dog. He was a saint. He was beautiful. He was my Asperagus.
Before Gussy, my Dad's father passed away. Papa. Papa called me smiley and pea pie. He was a man that loved my Mother because my Dad did. He treated her like she belonged. I remember his funeral and feeling like the whole world stood still. I remember the breeze that day and the way my Grandma Betty looked as she recieved the folded flag. I hope he can hear me when I brag about him. I hope he can see that he is one of my heros. I was 11, he never had the chance to meet Isaac and will never see how much his life has paved mine. My Dad turned 49 this past weekend and he looks more and more like his father. I love that.
The last day of High School my friend Johnny was hit while skitching on the back of his friends car. The earth did stand still that day. I played in the marching band with Johnny. I remember trying to play his trumpet and him trying to play my flute, niether of us could do it. Brittany, my good friend, and I were always there flirting with Johnny. After a parade at the State Fair Johnny smiled and winked at me. I saw that smile only once after that, on the day he was hit. Brittany and I had planned on telling Johnny how much he meant to us on the day of graduation. I think he knows even though we never had the chance to tell him.
So why do I write about this, why am I thinking about life and death so much? I dont know really. I guess as I have gotten older each death that I have experienced makes me realize that even because today I feel invincible, because I think there are going to be better days, I really DONT know. I think tomorrow the sun will rise, I will go to school and next fall I will graduate. After that I will be married, I will have kids and live my life like I dream. I just have been thinking, if I do die before then I want to learn everyday about what life really is about. Johnny's senior quote was "Live as if you were to die tomorrow, Learn as if you were to live forever". But maybe this isn't right. Maybe you are supposed to live to learn. Isn't that what its all about? Aren't I supposed to learn from all of the mistakes and all of the experiences that I have? Then what did Johnny and Papa live for? What did they learn? Did they start that day that they died out the way that they wanted? Did I start today the way I would had it been my last?
I miss you guys.
